since i was a little girl, i have always LOVED babies. i babysat and nannied from the age of about 13 through college. i always pictured myself as a mom, and assumed that i would love it, but never knew it would be like THIS.
every day that i get to spend with gus, makes me feel more confident and comfortable as a mother. it just seems to get better and more enjoyable each day. when typing that out, it sounds bad...like i haven't enjoyed EVERY DAY already...it's just that at the beginning i was so worried about something (or everything) that i didn't really get to enjoy each day to the fullest. breastfeeding, his weight, acid reflux, pooping, temperature, sleeping too long, sleeping too short, not hitting milestones...and a slew of other things that i was constantly going over in my head. let's be honest...if he doesn't sit by the "time he's supposed to" i will still worry (because that's what i do)...but i've gotten to the point that i know it WILL happen.
i know that i may not be traditional in the way that i mother my son, but i feel like each mom possesses the innate ability to care for their child in the way that is best for them. and when i say them, i mean the way that is best for both the mother and the child. i love him so much it hurts. but i also love my husband and realize that the only reason i have my son is because he was a gift that came from the love that we have. i was reminded of how much i enjoy my adult friendships and time with my man when we all celebrated for my 34th birthday a few weeks ago. we had been sleep training (a post to come) that week and when i was finally able to go out with adults and have dinner, drinks and good laughs...i was refreshed and rejuvenated from the night and i woke up the next day looking forward to the adventures that lay in front of gus and i even more!
it sounds cheesey, but it's like my whole world has become more alive since having him. the joys of my "old" life and the new joys that being a mom has created!
and now that he's approaching his 6 month birthday...i want another one. there isn't a night that goes by that i don't look on the monitor and see him curled up on one side of the crib, and the empty space next to him reminds me of our son that lives up in heaven. and i get angry. and sad. when i first had gus, i thought i would have been an awful twin mom and maybe things worked out the way they did because i couldn't have handled it...but thats wrong. we would have rocked twin parenting. we were made for it.
but i can't change what happened, so i figure we just need to have more. lots more. i'd do it all again 1,000 times over for another gus.
my sister texted me this one of my early days with gus....
she was right. it's not. i know my heart started working to get prepped on day 1 of my pregnancy, and then week 18, week 21 and every day until week 38 and 1 when we finally met our baby boy.
and now my heart is strong, and ready to continue mothering my sweet baby boy and hopefully lots more to come!