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{week 9}

{please note this post was written Jan 23rd and the post before this was written Jan 9th}

as i sit here at my computer in my office in midtown manhattan on this cold and snowy friday afternoon, i have had to wipe my eyes more than a couple times after reading some pretty heart felt blog posts about becoming a mom.  

i keep uncrossing and re-crossing my legs as one position gets uncomfortable.  i unbuttoned my pants almost immediately after my lunch meal. and i just forced down my prenatal pills that i think even a horse would have a hard time with...between gags.

this is life at 9.5 weeks pregnant. with twins. 

i can still smell the mongolian bbq in my trash from lunch. at the time it sounded SOOOOOOO good, and now i can't lean back in my chair for fear of getting a whif of the teriyaki noodles, bean sprouts and tofu. 

i keep wondering "when will i feel like normal again? i wonder what workout class will be my new fave at the gym? i can't wait for my belly to pop so i can wear something comfortable and not feel guilty about stretchy pants." 

and then i read an article about becoming a mom and how your whole world changes in the blink of an eye. how things that used to make you happy, uncomfortable or sad can do the exact opposite once that bundle of joy enters your life.  that things you used to worry about seem meaningless, and you have a whole new set of worries that never go away.

these things scare me. they scare me real good.

so instead of telling you what i like or don't like this week to eat, what smells make me dry heave and how much weight i've gained...i'll tell you this.

i'm scared.

i'm scared for the potential of a heart swelling with love to the point where i don't know what to do.

i'm scared of the constant worry, and the knowledge that i won't be able to always keep them safe...no matter how hard i try.

i'm scared of my husband resenting me because we don't go on date nights anymore because i don't trust anyone with our little nuggets.

i'm scared of sleeplessness.

i'm scared of labor.

i'm scared of crying more than i already do and not being able to turn it off.

i'm scared of not realizing they are mimicking me and turning my babies into monsters.

i'm scared that my man and i will never be the same.

i'm scared of all the poop.

i'm scared of it being HALF as good as everyone writes about, and changing my life in ways i never could imagine.  

and that's how i feel about being 9.5 weeks pregnant.

{the bump-weeks 6-12}

{we are having a baby}