this post goes against everything that i have written in my previous new year's resolution post. but sometimes, we have to be honest and realize that we can't be perfect right away, sometimes there are challenging times that take us back one step, in order to move us one step forward.
so, here goes. 100% raw. 100% honest.
i love living in nyc. i love the competitive nature of this city, and that everyone wants to do better than the next person. i love that you have to work 300% harder here than anywhere i have ever lived. i love that there are people lined up for my job, and the minute that i walk away from it, it's filled and nobody will even remember that i once occupied this tiny white walled office. i love that every second of my day has to be planned out in order to get everything done in time to wake up and do it all again. i love that i've reached a lot of my career goals, and i'm finally at a level that can get me a job almost anywhere i want.
but i'm getting tired.
i'm getting tired of constantly having work dreams because i'm afraid that i missed something or because i didn't get it all done. i'm tired of thinking that all the women i meet are constantly comparing themselves to me and determining who is more successful. i'm tired of having to figure out how i'm going to get to the gym, leaving 45 minutes earlier than i have to, in order to be there on time for a cycling class. i'm tired of getting home at 8 pm, starting dinner and then finally eating at 9.
i keep wondering what is going to be important to me in 6 months, 5 years, 10 years. if i'm going to look back on my life and wonder why i spent so much time worrying about work, when there were so many other amazing things to focus on.
i want to take the next steps in my life, and sometimes i feel like i'm nowhere close. i feel like i've made all these decisions to challenge myself and grow, but where has it gotten me? and to be quite frank, i want to get married, i want kids, i want to be covered in crayon markings and scraps of paper from doing art projects with my little ones.
and it just feels like it's so far away.
too far away.
and this is where i have to remind myself to trust in the process and live in the now. trust that i will some day have everything that i want. trust that my partner realizes the way that i feel, and not only respects it, but wants it too.
and beyond that, what can i do?
i can only live in the now.
i can continue to work hard, get home at 8, cook dinner, and lounge on the couch with my love...even if it's only 30 minutes before i drift off into sleep. continue to be tired from a life lived to the fullest, with 3 day weekends upstate even when we don't really have the time, or a late night karaoke session with our friends, or too many frozen margaritas.
i'm sure some day 10 years down the road, i will wonder why i longed for the life on the other side.