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get ready for some emo talk, ladies and gents.  i apologize in advance.  

here goes.  

everyone always says that as you get older, you may look different on the outside, but you still feel the same on the inside.  well, that's true. 

i will be 32 in january. and that sounds so much older than i feel. 

when i left portland for nyc, i think i assumed that it was for a "little while" or until i got it out of my system. i always imagined that i would return home to my friends and family, and the place that i called home.  

i just realized the other day when a friend texted me...."well, you've been gone almost two years..." that it's been that long. 

shock.

panic.

holy cow. has it really? 

things are changing back in portland. my friends are all pretty much married, and now there are at least 5 that are pregnant.  and those are just my friends that i met since i moved back to portland after my stint in san francisco.  my high school friends are also all starting to get pregnant. i have 4 high school friends that are currently pregnant, and i'm sure another 2 that are pretty darn close.

i have to be honest. i started to panic when i realized that i'm one of the oldest...and one of the farthest away from the whole "growing up" thing. truthfully, sometimes we still karaoke until 4 am with all our friends. i am fairly certain that most of my portland peeps haven't been up until 4 am in years. 

the question i have found myself asking is..."am i doing something wrong?" 

and i haven't given myself a lot of grace about what i am doing that i'm proud of. i tend to focus on the things that i question...even though i'm having fun.  

i have to remind myself that we have one life. and that i moved to new york for a reason.  i would have always wondered what "could have been" had i not. i've realized that i need to stop comparing the way i'm living my life to what is happening in others. i have been given so many amazing opportunities...and although i'm in a different space than most of my friends....it's ok.  

for some reason i've always struggled with this. although i really don't care what others think of me...i don't like to feel like i'm missing something. in a way, i have a little case of "fomo." (fear or missing out.) i don't want to wake up when i'm 45 and have an awesome career/house/vacations....but no family. i want it all. 

the thing that i have to remember...is that there is plenty of time.

time.  

so, in the meantime, i guess i ease up a little bit on myself and enjoy this city, the guy i love, and our 30 something year old lifestyle with little responsibility. i have a feeling we will look back on this and wish we had just a little more time.  

so i leave you with this great quote from Helen Keller.  i think she'd be happy that i was following her advice. 

daring adventure.jpg

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